THE ONE WHO STAYS IS OFTEN NOT THE ONE WHO PROMISED

so for those who do not know, i broke up around october last year, yea no one expected, but it did happened and she was the one who requested.
You may ask why? but seriously I myself do not really know until today, cause I myself told her I do not need a reason.

the breakup.

fyi, we did not really fight, it started when one day when she told me via WA that she kinda fucked up, like real bad, and need not to say, the first thing I ask was why did she said so? but she didn really tell. Our conversation then ended with me saying (as usual) i love you before 'goodnight', but things gone different this time, instead of a usual i love you from her, she told that she wasnt really sure. yea, she wasnt really sure about loving me. and since it was on a weekday, i was at melaka that time, so we decided to talk about it when we meet each other face to face on the weekend.

It was saturday night, due to my grandma birthday dinner that night, we dont really have the time to sit down calmly to talk shit out before that, so we waited and acted like normal throughout the dinner and then we started talking when we got back to my house.

It began with her started tearing down, so instead of asking why and shit, I said it straight and right into the point.

'you wanna break up?'

and she started crying harder and say 'I'm sorry'

so instead of asking why she wanted to break up and all, i instead went up and tried to comfort her, cause you know seeing her crying was the hardest thing for me that time.

'Its okay', i said

I started tearing abit afterward and it ended with her going up to bed and sleep, and i requested to go downstairs for DOTA *lmao dont ask me why, i just cant think of anything to do other than watching her sleeping next to me comon


and yea, that was how it happened. we ended it peacefully, no fight no shit.

Grief.

wonder if you have came across this picture saying like girl would normally cry like shit starting right at the moment they broke up and recovers weeks later, and in boy the whole grieving phase would kick little later.

like tbh, i wasnt really feeling like i wanna die and shit like how people would after breaking up from a 5 years relationship, and fyi the next day after the saturday night, i could still *not happily of course* like calmly had breakfast with her at my favourite chilli pan mee place*chilli panmee is life*, and i still waved her goodbye and watching her pack everything and leave before i myself started driving back to Melaka.

the next day morning, the whole grieving started *apparently the facebook post was just a joke* after when I woke up try to reach my phone, and then, the usual morning text from her wasnt there anymore. and for me, i had got no reason to send her good morning text and tell her i love her anymore.

the first week after the breakup was shitty, as i would constantly thinking bout her like all the time especially when you know the phone WA notification just wont pop up anymore, but then I myself still somehow manage to hide shit and act like nothing happen outside infront of my friend, as that time I was thinking not to tell any of my friends that ive broke up and let them realise themselves as time goes by. *cool kids have to be cool right*

the whole damn week went on slow as heck, and the grief just hit harder when i went back home and saw the two empty single queen sized bed in my room *if your brain still cannot brain, one is for her and another ones for me*

the whole griefing thing lasted for like weeks i think until at one point, i wasnt really sure if i wanted to go back home for the weekend like i would normally do, cause now(that time) it was just like putting myself into hell.

basically the whole grieving phase is just cycle of seeing things > went into flashbacks of all the good memories > sad > seeing things > flashback > sad and it goes round and round.

*but thank god she never came and stay over at the melaka rented house before, so there is basically nothing to 'reminisce'

moving on :)

i think everyone define moving on differently, for me moving on is not like you have to forget about him/her totally, instead you should just make peace with it, and go on with your life without letting it affects you much. Imagine your whole life is a story book, and the whole getting into relationship and breaking up it just barely a chapter in it, and your story goes on, there is no reason for you to go on writing how miserable your post break up life is for the whole storybook. 

and as a 23 years old young adult, crying like heck and begging for him/her to come back is really not the right thing to do, knowing that your whole life is not just about the relationship, you have to dream to chase, make your parents proud, friends to hang out with. It may seems its like a big thing when you just broke up, but then when you try to take a step back, relationship is just a small part of your life.

yea, the first few weekends going back to KL saw the two empty beds in my room were miserable AF, but then what you can do is that just keep fcking doing it, one day, instead of thinking back all the memories both of you had and start tearing, you will start thinking about who is going to be the next one coming into your life creating beautiful memories with you. and thats really how psychiatrist treat patient with phobia, they called it DESENSITISATION, where you wont give a damn anymore at the end of the day. And also i always tell myself, being in relationship is nice but then if i can survive the first 18 years of life living the single life happily, why couldnt i do it now?

Remember how i not ask about why she wanted to break up with me? 

Ive been in her place before *like being the one who wanted to breakup*, as much as you could love someone, one day it could just crumbled due to some god knows what reason and makes you wanna break up, everything just goes the opposite site. everything she/he does it just not right. and let me tell you what, knowing the reason, whether how stupid or legit it may sound to you, wont really help you moving on faster. You yourself have to take the first step and go on from there.

and here am I, exactly 7 months later, keeping the memories in one of the compartment in my brain and moved on with my life.

everything happens for a reason, right? 

'Papaya Soo'

one of the bad things about breaking up is that you lost someone so close who you can open up talking all the shit with, and that is why here I am 'blogging'.

Did not expect this to be like a 100% similar experience as to talking to someone so close to you face to face (this god damn blog just wont react to anything), but i guess it serves as a place to let go all my thoughts.

if you are not already know, me, almost 24, 5th year medical student (not so proud at all)(mmmc-ians know why), broke up after 5 years of relationship half a year ago, and yea people call me 'PAPAYA'.

let me tell you why before you even start asking,

it all started back then when i was a chubby cute little boy at 12 years of age, but then blessed enough, god gives me a pair of man boob (c'mon you know its just fats), not gonna disclose who she (at least you know she's a she) is.

Deep down inside i never felt insulted or anything like that,

since day one i always feel like this is a cool ass fucking special like heck name,

like who the hell in this world would call him/herself papaya, you've heard people called themselves Apple, Cherry..etc but seriously how often do you come across people called Papaya. yea i know i know Papaya is sort of like a least favourite fruit (iphone still yet to come out with the papaya fruit emoji, SED)

introducing myself to others were always a fun experience to me, because you god damn sure the second question that pops out from people would always be 'why do you called yourself papaya? instead of like an awkward, no fun 'whatever question that follows' 

Yea, it was fun until you have to introduce yourself to like ok lets make it 5 strangers, and all 5 of them ask you the same second question. and then imagine you're new to like a classroom with like 50ish people inside. imagine the work you have to do to explain to everyone.

i mean it was fun still.

maybe its just me or that is what adulting do to everyone, back then every new people that came into my life were cool, you know like they kinda happily accept you called yourself papaya and at most end up with a haha and our conversation goes from there.

but things changed when one day as i was as usual happily introducing myself, 'hey, call me papaya', and know you what came out from him/her, 'oh im sorry'.

i mean like, WHAT? SORRY?

i understand maybe they feel like its an insult to me to be called papaya but then,

for me it also makes me realise that people that im meeting these days, not to say not cool, but more towards the serious side.

and since that day, the insecurity creeps in every time i introduce myself.

and for those who already know me and see me introducing myself with my real name, you know this god damn insecurity creeps in. 

comment to let me know you were here  *wink, hi